He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
