Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
