after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Who died my cat blue again?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
