dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
