Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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