I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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