Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
