Cold hands, warm shart.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
