having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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