the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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