I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
