My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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