sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
