So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
