He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
