she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
