Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
two words: eviction party
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
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