his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
