If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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