Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize