it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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