You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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