I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i out mim tonsoeep
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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