I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
