I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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