dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
