i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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