My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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