So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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