K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
someone threw a dead crab at me
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
