If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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