I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
