The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
