Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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