I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
