I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
