talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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