Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
