my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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