Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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