I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
