my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
