This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
