saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
