After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
