What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
