it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
