My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
