Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
