All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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