How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
