I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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