the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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