My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
