i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I would fuck him just for his dog
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
