I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
