sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
