What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
