he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize