come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
