your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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